Hold onto Him
by RumbelleRiverSong
Summary: Post CA:TWS major spoilers for the movie. Bucky struggles to overcome decades of programming while steve searches for him. But Bucky doesn't want to see Steve until he feels that hes safe to be around. *it has a happy ending i promise*
1. Chapter 1

Notes: Takes place directly after CA:TWS final after credit scene **SPOILERS**

Walking though the Captain America exhibit, the man stopped at a glass sheet with white text and a photo of a man who look very similar to him. As he read the words he tried to make sense of them. He closed his eyes and focused on the name _James Buchanan Barnes _but he didn't feel anything in connection to the name. He tried saying it quietly "Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes" as he said the words a splitting pain radiated from his head. Gritting his teeth, the man shoved his hands into the pockets of a stolen hoodie, and left the museum.

The pain dulled from white hot to discomfort. He Crouched in the ally by the museum and covered his eyes with the bill of his hat. "Buchanan" he tried again, less pain this time. "Bucky" the man whispered. The feeling of a wide leather belt whipping his back came to the front of his mind. He could feel ghost pains of the belts sting pierce through his sweatshirt. He wanted to call out and cry but he didn't. The man curled into a tighter ball and resisted the urge to say the name again.

Tears welled in his eyes; he didn't have a name anymore. He refused to address himself as the Winter Soldier. Not after seeing a news report on the damage he caused. Which left him with nothing, not one word that belonged to him. As the pain in his back ebbed away, he searched his mind for something to hang onto.

Eyes popping open, he let out the first thing his brain could understand, "Steve" the man gasped. A strange warmth built in his chest. It wasn't painful; he had found something to hang onto.


	2. Chapter 2

That night the man slept in the ally; Unmoved since his last attempt at speaking. Although the air was warm and it hadn't rained that night, shivers rattled his strong form, a withdrawal from the drugs. Drugs that had been pumped through him continuously for 70 years had suddenly stopped. His body was trying to remember how to function without them.

One signal rang immediately clear through his broken brain: _Food. _He clutched his flesh arm to his stomach and felt for the IV tube that had fed him for decades. There were no doctors around to pump nutrients into him; he had to get food on his own.

Slowly standing, he felt stomach acid bubbling at the back of his throat. Scanning the area, he saw a water fountain two blocks away. Moving quicker than a normal man probably would, he got to the water fountain, and drank in long chugs. Once the burning in his throat stopped his stomach reminded him that it needed food.

He searched the jeans he had taken and found two crumpled five dollar bills. A voice at the far back of his mind said _wow we were lucky if we found fifty cents for dinner_.

He caught his reflection in the metal of the water fountain. Dirty and battered from sleeping in the ally he took some of the water into his hands and washed the brown and red smudges from his face. Small strands of stubble caught in the metal arm but the small ripping pain didn't faze him. Looking at himself again there was a small flicker of recognition. The voice spoke again saying _not my best look but it will do. _He seemed slightly startled. The voice was much louder and somehow more present then he can ever remember it being.

Walking over to a food truck parked outside a bank. The sign on the truck read _Tony's Tacos_ in big bolded script. A wash of anxiety filled his chest _what the hell is a Taco? _The voice echoed his anxiety.

"Ay bub you gonna order a taco or just hold up my line." The man from the truck yelled.

The horrible stress built in his chest and he could feel his breath become unsteady.

"Hey you ok buddy?"

He wasn't sure what to do. He had never had to order food or even talk to people who weren't in charge of him. He slowly stepped back and tripped over the man behind him. Almost falling backwards, his metal arm turned in an unhuman way and dug his fingers into the asphalt before he fell completely.

The man he had tripped over, screamed at the sight of the man's arm bent totally backwards, and his hand being submerged in the road as easily as if it were water.

The scream shocked him. Without a word he lifted his hand from the ground and ran as fast as he could. Tears streaming openly down his face, he didn't stop running until he was sure he was out of danger. If he had even been in danger.

Louder his stomach protested and the man was embarrassed by its needs. He walked until he found the machine he had come across on a mission once. He remembered how before he had performed the hit, the victim had put money in this machine and it had given him food.

He inserted one of the bills into the machine and pressed the buttons his victim had hit, _B6. _Not knowing what would happen, he waited and a small bag of peanuts in a colorful wrapper fell into a basin at the bottom of the machine. Untrusting of the machine, he used his metal arm to get the food.

Ripping open the package, and pouring the contents directly into his mouth, the salt stung his bleeding gums. He slumped next to the machine and stared at the sky. He couldn't remember the last time he had seen a sunset but he was sure he had never seen one quite as orange as this one. He watched until the sky grew completely dark. When he couldn't tell when his eyes were open and when his eyes were shut, he felt safe enough to start the hard stuff.

"Bucky" The white pain of the belt crashed on him and he fell on his side. "Steve" he tested. The warm feeling surrounded him. "James" Almost no pain came after and he got excited. "Sgt. James Buchanan Barnes" he says expectantly, small tingles of pain edged around his head. It was uncomfortable but nothing he couldn't handle. For the first time in years, there was actual joy in his mind. A smile broke through his lips. "Steve Rogers, aka Captain America" nothing. "Bucky" he said hesitantly. Full pain enveloped his mind, but he didn't collapse like before. When the pain slowed enough the smile came back. If he can hold onto Steve then he could hold onto Bucky.

Note: Hey! I hope you guys are liking this. If you could comment on how you think im doing I would appreciate it. If you guys have head cannons or ideas then by all means share them :) I might put some in the rest of the fic


	3. Chapter 3

Bucky woke to rain. He was lying flat on his back and the rain poured down his cheeks. The first impulse he had was to find shelter; but he didn't. Bucky laid there on his back and _felt_ the rain. He lifted his flesh hand to his face and wiped the water from his eyes. Looking at the gray blue sky, he could feel the tips of his ears get cold, and the tip of his nose. The only thing he could compare it to was going into cryo… but it wasn't like that. Cryo was still and silent and alone, the rain was moving and loud and he could see and hear each splash.

He stayed there staring at the sky for hours. Bucky's body ached as the last of the drugs left his system. He hadn't realized that his mussels had been so tense, a side effect of too much adrenaline, as they relaxed he felt at peace with his body. Floating in and out of sleeps Bucky was calm.

The toe of a shoe nudged his side. He must have been asleep because it woke him. A sudden surge of adrenalin pulsed through his heart; Bucky's metal arm reached over and grabbed the leg of the nudger. Expecting a scream Bucky braced himself. There wasn't a scream just a gasp. Finally opening his eyes he saw the leg he had grabbed belonged to a child. Looking up he saw the terrified face of a little girl in a blue rain coat.

He instantly released the child's leg to allow her to run away from him. The girl stepped back a bit but didn't run. Bucky looked at the ground, ashamed at himself for almost braking the kids leg.

"I didn't mean to startle you" the little girl said kneeling down on the wet pavement. "I just was worried you were hurt."

Bucky didn't meet her gaze.

"Are you hurt?" the girl asked more caringly.

Bucky shook his head.

"What's the matter can't you talk?"

He looked up to meet her eyes. She was small, maybe 9, and she had very brown hair that was tied into two braids on either side of her head. Bucky nodded to answer her question.

"What's your name?" The girls face went from scared to concerned.

Bucky wanted to answer but he feared the pain that came with saying the words.

"Bu-"he started as the white pain made him shut his eyes. When he opened them again he looked into the girls bright blue eyes. "James" he said enduring the unpleasant sting that followed.

The little girl smiled "Im Sarah" she said. "Why are you out in the rain?"

Bucky thought about the words he wanted to say and how to say them

"I ran away" He answered truthfully but plainly.

"Oh… Do you have anywhere to go?" Sarah said standing up and offering her hand to him.

Bucky shook his head again. He was about to extend his left hand to her but decided against it. He didn't want to repulse her with his metal arm. Bucky pushed himself from the ground and stood uneasily. A burning pain came from his abdomen. He turned around so the girl couldn't see. Lifting up his shirt he could see that the skin around the IV tub connected to his stomach had become infected. He poked the pink flesh.

Sarah turned to see what he was looking at "Oh gosh" she said "You need to get someone to look at that." She watched his face as he furrowed his brow. She could tell he was thinking of ways not to go to the hospital. "Come with me. I know someone who can help you with that."

Bucky nodded and followed the girl to a nice looking town house. Sarah reached into her pocket and got out a key.

"Wait out here I have to talk to my mom." She smiled reassuringly.


	4. Chapter 4

Bucky sat on a small bench outside the house. Soon he could hear arguing from inside. His hearing was too perfect for him to miss a single word of the conversation

"YOU BROUGHT A HOMLESS MAN TO THE HOUSE!?" a faceless voice yelled from the third floor

"Mom he's sick! You have to help him." Sarah pleaded.

"No Sarah we have to call the police."

"No wait I think he's in trouble you can't give him to the police."

"Is he outside?" The second voice said with a harsh tone.

"ya he's on the porch"

"Did he give a name?"

"He said it was James"

After some stomping, he heard Sarah skip downstairs; she popped out from the door. "It's ok. She's going to help you" she smiled.

Half a minute later a tall slender woman with the same brown hair and blue eyes came from the front door. She looked scared as she looked at Bucky. "Are you sick?" she asked in a slightly less harsh voice then he had heard her use before.

Bucky lifted his shirt to show her the infected IV tube.

"Ok, you can come in." she turned abruptly and pushed Sarah ahead of her. Bucky trailed behind them. The interior of the house was very clean; with white furniture and chrome fixtures.

The woman told him to sit on the table in the kitchen and to take off his shirt. Bucky hesitated, not wanting the woman to call the police at the sight of his left arm.

"Sarah, take his clothes and put them in the washing machine." Sarah hopped off the stool she was perch on and walked over to Bucky.

"Why aren't you taking off the sweatshirt?" Sarah whispered to him while her mother was busy looking for medical supplies in a closet.

Bucky rolled up his sleeve, and showed Sarah his metal arm. Sarah's eyes opened wide. "James, I have to tell my mom." Bucky shook his head but Sarah just smiled and told him it would be ok.

Sarah told her mother that she had to tell her something. Her mother looked Bucky over warningly before she left the room with Sarah.

"What!" She yelled and ran back into the kitchen. "Show me." She demanded of Bucky.

Bucky removed the sweatshirt to fully expose the arm.

"Sarah go to your room and lock the door" The mother said without taking her eyes off of Bucky.

"Mom its ok he's not going to hurt anyone." Sarah pleaded.

"Room! Now" She demanded.

Sarah looked apologetically at Bucky before she skipped up the stairs.

"You're the Winter Soldier." The mother stated. Bucky looked at his feet. "You are aren't you?" She demanded of him.

"I'm not going to hurt you." Bucky answered refusing to look her in the face. "I just need-" he said putting his right hand to his stomach "help."

The anger in her face cracked slightly. Turning around she quickly grabbed the plastic gloves and a pair of tweezers. She sat in a chair by his stomach. "The shirt" She said plainly. Bucky lifted it up to expose his abdomen and chest.

For a moment, the woman just stared at all the scars on his chest, and the caked on blood around some of the wounds. She wanted to ask about the older scars but she didn't

The mother reached for the scalpel in a sealed plastic casing she had gotten from the closet. Bucky flinched when he saw the knife; "It's fine, I'm a doctor" she said reassuringly.

_Just let her do it, you idiot._ The voice said from nowhere.

"You might want to look away." As she removed the tube Bucky watched intensely. After she finished, she took off her the gloves and leaned back in the chair meeting the man's gaze.

"Is James your real name?" she asked very plainly. Bucky nodded.

"But you are the Winter Soldier."

Bucky looked into her eyes, they were the same blue as Sarah's. "I was." He said ashamed to associate himself with that name.

"So you're not going to do anything with that scary metal arm right?"

Bucky said no with determination.

"Right well then you can call me Jessica, I guess" She looked away from him trying to decide whether to feel pity or anger.

He heard a rustling from the other room, Jessica hadn't notice, and he figured that Sarah must be eavesdropping.

"You are going to need a strong course of antibiotics for the infection. If I wrote you a prescription would you fill it?"

Bucky shook his head. He didn't know how to fill a prescription, nor did he have any interest in being in public.

"Alright." Jessica said getting up and moving back to the corner cabinet and getting out an orange pill bottle. "This is penicillin. Do you have an allergy to any antibiotics like it?"

Bucky thought then shook his head again. He doubted that he was allergic to anything anymore. The woman handed him the bottle.

"Take this twice a day for the next ten day; preferably with a meal." She sat back down and crossed her arms defensively. "When was the last time you ate?"

Bucky considered lying, "Yesterday" he said after a while.

"What did you eat?"

"Peanuts" he said breaking his gaze and looking at the ground.

Jessica stood up and called her daughter. She didn't look shocked when Sarah emerged for the other room.

"You're not going to call the police are you?" Sarah asked. She had changed from her blue rain coat to a white blouse with dark red shorts.

"No" she said. "He can stay for dinner."

Notes: Phew ugh this chapter took a while. I like it but if you guys have ideas then don't hesitate to leave a review telling me so. I'm having a lot of fun writing this; so im planning out a couple more chapters. Since im bad at subtle hints ill just say that the reason Bucky trusts Sarah and her mother is that their blue eyes remind him of Steve. Hope you like it thank you for reading :)


	5. Chapter 5

Bucky didn't know how he should act at the dinner table. He tried to match Sarah's mother in speed and bite size while she ate. It was painfully quiet.

"Sooooo" Sarah ventured. "Why is your hair so long?"

Bucky's hand shot up to his long tangled hair. "I just haven't cut it in a while" he answered shyly.

Sarah slid a hair tie from her wrist and offered it to him. Bucky accepted it and pulled his hair into a short ponytail. "My aunt cuts hair." Sarah said to continue conversation. "Mommy maybe tomorrow we can take James to Aunt Emily?"

Sarah's mother, Jessica looked down at her food. "Maybe"

It was quiet again. Bucky tried to keep his left hand in his lap. He could tell the site of it stressed Jessica out.

When dinner was done, Sarah took Bucky's plate to the sink. "Can I watch TV now?" Sarah asked her mother.

"If your homework is done you can go watch TV." Jessica answered

Sarah smiled "Come on James, SpongeBob comes on soon."

Bucky looked hesitantly at her. "Actually Sarah" her mother cut in. "I think James and I are going to talk about tomorrow for a bit." Jessica smiled at her daughter. Sarah was unsure, but eventually left the room.

"James…" She started. "I'm not sure what the last few days have been like for you but DC has been turned upside down. The whole city has been looking for you…" Jessica didn't want Bucky to run so she tried not to say anything especially scary. "Look all of Shield's history and data is available for public consumption now. Everyone knows what happened and everyone knows what was done to you. Or at least they know as much as Shield knew" She looked at her hands unsure how to continue. "Ya know it's funny, we moved here two years ago from new York. My husband said it would be safer here after what happened with the Avenger… he's still in New York. He's one of the physicians at Stark Tower. I'm still in the city because I work for Ms. Potts." she said these names as if Bucky should know who they belonged to. "She and the Captain are about to launch a global search for you."

Bucky's heart jumped "Steve?" he asked with as much hope as he could muster.

"Steve Rogers, ya" Jessica confirmed his hope. She looked at her thumbs again, thinking her next words over in her mind. "The file on the Winter Soldier has been decrypted… Ms. Potts wanted me to read the whole thing so I could inspect you when they found where you were." She looked at Bucky trying to determine if her words were sinking in. "It would probably save everyone a lot of effort if you came in with me tomorrow… would you want to do that?"

Bucky was processing all the information. After a while he nodded. _Come on use your words_ the voice requested. "I'd like to see Steve if that's ok" Bucky said meeting her bright blue eyes. She smiled for the first time since they met.

Jessica gave Bucky a heavy hearted look. "How about we take a break from the heavy talk huh?" Jessica's offer took a moment to register with Bucky. He nodded as soon as the words sunk in.

They both walked into the living room where Sarah was watching a colorful cartoon. "James you're just in time" she beamed. "Phineas and Ferb comes on it two minutes"

Bucky sat next to Sarah on the floor, making sure his metal arm was as far from her as possible. When the cartoon came on Bucky was startled by the high pitched noises and the bright colors. Staring at the screen for too long gave him a headache so instead he looked at his hands. After 20 minutes of the show Sarah leaned onto Bucky slightly so her shoulder barely touched his upper arm. Bucky tensed up. Evidently Sarah didn't notice because she didn't move away, so Bucky slowly relaxed his mussels. It occurred to him that this was the first friendly touch he'd felt in a very long time. After another 10 minutes the cartoon ended.

"Sarah its 8:30" Jessica said picking up the remote from the floor. Sarah sighed, but got up anyway. Her mother clicked the television off and kissed her on the forehead. "Don't forget to brush your teeth". Sarah mumbled something about how she never forgets to brush her teeth as she shuffled up to her room.

"After Sarah's done you can take a shower in her bathroom. And I guess you'll need some clothes…. Hold on I think I might have some stuff that would fit you." Jessica quickly dashed up to what Bucky assumed was her bedroom then just as quickly dashed back down with a bundle of fabric. "So I think your shoulders are too wide for most of my husband's shirts but you should at least be able to wear his pants. Oh I threw the ones you came in with away. They were way too ripped to be salvaged. I put the contents of your pockets in the little bowl by the door." She held up a pair of dark blue jeans and a pair of black trousers. "Any preference?" she asked

Bucky was about to shake his head when the voice gave its two cents _I hear the jeans are nicer this century _so Bucky reached for the jeans.

Jessica got the hoodie and torn t-shirt from dryer. She frowned at the blood stains that hadn't come out of the shirt. "Maybe I can go out and buy you a t-shirt." Jessica said staring intently at the little punctures in the fabric.

"This is fine" Bucky said taking the t-shirt from her and slipping it on. He tried to smile slightly but he didn't feel like he was doing it right so he stopped.

"Well alright if you're sure" she still pursed her lips obviously torn between letting him leave the house with a ripped shirt and going shopping at 9:15 at night.

Hearing a door click upstairs Jessica smiled. "Sounds like the bathrooms open." She showed him how to work the shower, and how to keep the stitches she had done earlier dry, and then let him clean up.

When Bucky descended the stairs he was only wearing the jeans. He had draped the towel over his metal arm in an obvious attempt to hide it from view. "Ah good James, I made the couch up for you..." Jessica said, rubbing the back of her neck. "If you need something I'll be upstairs. After Sarah catches her bus tomorrow morning we can go to Ms. Potts flat uptown. Um ya" She stared awkwardly at the floor thinking of how bizarre her Saturday had gotten. "Are you going to be ok down here?"

Bucky nodded. And sat on the couch that was enough of a queue for Jessica to go to bed as she needed. "Goodnight James." She smiled and went upstairs. Bucky listened as Jessica locked Sarah's door and then closed and locked her own. Bucky was glad she did, even without commands to hurt them he still wasn't safe to be around.

He tried to lie down on the long white couch. He shifted to his side, and then back onto is back, and then he flipped onto his stomach. After a while he just laid down on the wood floor. The hard ground was much closer to what he was used to. He didn't feel he deserved the comfort anyway; he hadn't done anything to deserve any of the kindness that Sarah and her mother had given. Bucky didn't understand why they would ever want to help him in the first place.

Bucky squeezed his eyes closed. Trying to force himself to sleep. It wasn't working. He tried to focus on seeing Steve tomorrow but thinking about it made him anxious. Instead he thought about what happened a few weeks before. With the hellicarriers crashing into DC. What if Sarah had been in one of the building that was crushed? What if Jessica had been driving on the bridge that collapsed? _What if I had completed my mission_. The thoughts made his stomach hurt and his throat tighten.

He stared at the grey ceiling and tried to not think at all. It had been so easy to not think and just do what he was told.

All at once Jessica was yelling. Bucky's eyes shot open and found himself standing up right, gripping a lamp, as if he was using it to fend off an attack. His throat felt sore. Jessica was standing defensively in front of Sarah who looked scared with tears in her eyes.

Bucky looked at Jessica. Her blue eyes were full of fear and concern. She saw more lucidity in his face than was present moments before. "You were screaming." She told him still as far from him as she could be. "You were screaming and when I tried to wake you up, you tried to hit me with the lamp."

He looked at his metal arm that gripped the lamp. Bucky put it down gently on the small table it had been on. He was terrified; he didn't remember screaming much less threatening Jessica. "I tried to hurt you?" Bucky asked not meeting her scared eyes.

"Yes." She said trying to obscure his view of Sarah's face. "I think it would be a good idea to take you to Miss. Potts tonight instead. Its 4 am but I have a security card to get into the building." Jessica was trying to sound calm. But stress crept into her voice.

Bucky hadn't heard anything she had said after yes. Still looking down he started walking towards the door. "James, wait its ok we aren't mad!" Jessica said walking closely behind him. He kept walking towards the door.

Sarah sprinted a bit to keep up. "Wait I promised we could help you." She tried to catch him by grabbing his metal hand. Before Bucky thought to stop it the metal hand pushed back against the grabber. Sarah fell to the floor with a light thud. Jessica stopped trying to guard the door from Bucky and ran to her daughter.

Bucky turned around and looked into Sarah's eyes. They shone with fresh betrayal. Tears welled in Bucky's eyes as he quickly turned back towards the door and broke into a run out of the house.

As soon as Jessica had helped Sarah to her feet Sarah had run off after him. Jessica called for her to stop but she didn't. Jessica stood in the door way shouting at the top of her lungs not caring that it was 4 in the morning. When Sarah made a turn, out of the neighborhood, Jessica immediately began a mad dash after her. Turning the corner Jessica couldn't see where her daughter had gone.


End file.
